Photos of Eli's Birthday

Redemption

So many facets of adoption remind me of God's love for me. One day last month, our son felt the need to just get away and out he went into the cold pouring rain. Several hours later he was at the front door, not asking to be let in, but asking for dry clothes. He was cold, wet, and bedraggled. We would have let him in if that had been what he wanted. But the question we were faced with that day was: do we give him dry clothes so that he an go walk around some more in the cold rain? What a picture of the smallness of our faith oftentimes as we go before the great and mighty God of the universe. Even as His adopted children, we often go to God asking for nothing more than "dry clothes" when he wants to give new life, an abundant life, blessings beyond measure. He says to us, "Come in out of the cold rain; find love and warmth in Me." And we say, "Can I just get some dry clothes and stay in this cold, harsh, but familiar world?" I am convicted anew today of my wanderings away from the love of my Father and thankful that as I return, just as our son did, He opens the door and welcomes me back into fellowship with him.

This was brought to mind today when I came across this blog post from a couple in Ukraine adopting. I have taken out the names to protect their privacy; but what a beautiful essay on redemption:

R and I are sitting in the office of a telephone company in Ukraine; using wireless internet. We are in the middle of adopting three special needs boys from an orphanage here. Two of the boys have Down Syndrome. R is high functioning, energetic, and happy; D has serious mental retardation, failure to thrive, and though he is five years old, he is the size of a 1 yr old. He has sores on his face, a distinct smell of death on him, and yells out if we try to do anything with him other than hold him. Because he has less ability to respond and learn, he naturally gets less attention and care from the orphanage workers in this world of limited resources. The harsh reality of the “survival of the fittest” principle is a life and death struggle that this little boy is losing fast. Our third boy S, is a brilliant six year old who has Spina Bifida (the condition our son Josiah died from in 1996). He is like a learning sponge that can’t get enough! He is happy and alert and thirsty for knowledge and experience. So with two of our boys we get an immediate return on any investment we make. With D, there’s not much immediate gratification. In fact, it’s unknown when and if there will be a return at all. This is the kind of situation that makes the carnal, fallen, human reasoning think, “Why try? What’s the point? What will this produce? What good will this do? Why not select a boy who has more “potential”? This looks like a lost cause”.

Two days ago we drove for hours into the Ukrainian countryside to the village where D was born. We met with officials there and signed papers and answered their questions. We also went and saw D’s house. The day had been long, we were still recovering from jet lag, I was beginning to really miss my six daughters at home and all the familiar things our fragile human hearts entangle themselves with in feeble attempts to feel secure. Sitting in the dark on our very long drive back to Novograd that night, the Holy Spirit began to whisper to my heart, and new understanding about redemption began to take shape.

I was thinking, “Man, adopting this little boy has been so much work. This is exhausting, expensive, uncomfortable ... and it doesn’t feel very rewarding right now.” What am I doing in some little Soviet car in the dark, in the middle of rural Ukraine in frozen December, as the driver dodges cats and potholes? What if D doesn’t improve at all? What if we get “nothing” out of this? … Ahhh, there it was; that dark, fallen, unreedemed, selfish human love, rooted in the tree of the knowledge of “good and evil”. The love the Greeks called “erao” love. The love where we treat someone as precious and treasured for what we can get out of it. This is unlike “agapeo” love, the God kind of love that treats someone as treasured and precious for their good, not for my good. It’s when I love a person in order to meet their needs, having no expectation of them meeting any of my needs. At a whole new level, God is working His kind of love into my weak heart, and He’s using little D to do it.

On the drive home that night, the Lord whispered in my ear, “This is Redemption. D, do you know how far I travelled to get you and bring you back? I had to be separated from my Son, in order to get you, just like you are separated from your children in order to get these boys. Do you know how expensive it was for Me to purchase you? It cost me everything. Do you know how broken, sick, damaged, twisted, dirty, smelly, and hopeless you were? And at the end of it all, you had nothing to give me or add to me. I did it for you. I emptied myself and became nothing so that you could have it all. This is redemption.

My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can’t even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like D will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him … but … he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly “Papa” feels towards us.

Today, settle your busy heart down and rest in the benefits of redemption. Enjoy the fruits of His goodness, and stop trying to “pay Him back”. You'll never get close you goofy little kid.

Happy Birthday, Dear Eli, Happy Birthday to You!

There are a lot of things you hear and read about internationally adopted children; a lot of them are very accurate but they do not all apply universally. I am not generally one to tell others that I have great kids but I want to take this opportunity to tell people not to be scared of adopting older foreign born children and I am going to do it by bragging on the birthday boy. Eli turned 11 December 1, 2008. I gotta tell you, this boy breaks all stereotypes. He has never asked to be “returned” to Ukraine and is aghast at the mere suggestion of it. He tells me quite often how happy he is to have been adopted, thanking Gabe and I for adopting him and “for everything” we have done for him. He got money for his birthday, we took him to Target and he came home with one item and most of his cash left over; he wants for nothing. The rest of the kids have Christmas lists but there is genuinely nothing he can think of that he would like. However, he expects and trusts that we will be generous to him at Christmas time. The boy is smart as a whip; excels at English; and is willing to admit when he does not know something. He is anxious to learn new things and will even ask to do extra lessons in math! He is willing to share anything and everything about his past without shame. He is honest and thoughtful and has compassion on others. Granted, he is not perfect. He is easily offended and often quickly resorts to pouting. But God has had such mercy on Him. Yes, God. There is no way this child could have come through his first 10 years unscathed but for the hand of God in his life. He has a testimony of God’s faithfulness on his lips. He prayed for a family and knows that God heard his cries. He knows that Christ came into the world and died to save him from him sins. He understands that God is loving and tender and cares for him. I thank God for Roman Elijah Davie. I thank God for all He did in his life prior to July 2008. I thank God for missionaries like Shane Duke who faithfully shared the gospel with him and the other children in his orphanage. I think God for bringing him to America in the summer of 2007. Eli says that there are two days he will never forget. One is the day his first Papa left him, his brother and his mother. The other is the day he was adopted by a new Papa and Mama. May the Lord continue to always bring comfort, goodness and love where Satan means him harm. Happy Birthday, son.

Thankful

I started this blog Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. I never really finished what I wanted to say and it takes me forever to get pictures on here. It is a slow process but just thought I'd throw out what I have. We had Thanksgiving dinner at our house Thursday. Some of my family and some of Gabe's family came. It was nice. The boys enjoyed their first American holiday. Vitalik especially enjoyed the amount of food! Colton was home from college and that is always a treat. The day was smooth sailing and for that I am thankful.

Friday after Thanksgiving I ran into one of my friends in Target. They are pursuing 2 children from Ukraine for adoption. These will be their first children. I so enjoyed watching her do the day-after-Thanksgiving thing looking for Razors for these precious children. What joy they are already bringing to her life. I am thankful that she found them and that they will be a blessing to each other.

Our friends, the Halls, are in Ukraine adopting right now. One of their girls gave them a scare earlier in the week and they were afraid she might not be willing to come to America. I am thankful God moved on her heart and she will soon be a permanent part of their family.

We have other friends in Ukraine right now adopting, Paula and Ande and Leetha and Rocco. I am thankful that both of these families answered the call to adopt and that three more children will have families soon.

Saturday we attended the annual family reunion on my daddy's side of the family. Fried catfish, boiled shrimp, football and rain made it a memorable day. I have read that adopted children sometimes have problems during holidays and/or large family gatherings but Vitalik and Eli soaked it all up. They are looking forward to going back to Thomasville at Christmas. I think they both are just so happy to be a part of a family. In fact, 95% of the time, they are happy with life in general, and for that I am thankful.

Last year during the Christmas season we were anxiously awaiting our I171H from USCIS, the last document needed before we could be submitted in Ukraine. With Vitalik about to age out, I had to make myself tackle the decorating and shopping that I love. I think it was only 10 days till Christmas before I put up our tree in 2007. This year, we got that baby put up before Colton left to go back to college on Sunday. I thank God that Vitalik and Eli were here, not on the other side of the world.

So very, very much to be thankful for that I can only skim the surface. God has blessed me more than I could ever deserve. Not only that but I get to see his grace and mercy poured out on so many others around me.

.

I Pledge Allegiance

For those of you who do not know, children 14 and older have to be sworn in at your USCIS office before they can receive their "Certificate of Citizenship" which they need to get a Social Secuity Number and other benefits of American citizenship. Vitalik was sworn in Friday, November 14th, with 100 other people. They were there from 39 other countries, including Iraq, Ethiopia, Taiwan and, of course, Ukraine.

For several days leading up to this momentous occassion, I heard "I not go to Atlanta" every time Vitalik got mad at me. He knew this was important and it must have been a pretty scary thing for him. In fact, just a few moments before he got into the car with us to drive to Atlanta, he was "running away" so as to avoid this final step of allegiance. Half way there, however, he was apologizing and asking for forgiveness and we got through the swearing-in ceremony without a hitch. I am guessing that one day he might look back on this day and grasp its significance but his biggest concern while it was happening was whether or not he would have priveleges when he got back home.

Begging for Candy

I might ramble a bit through this blog. Lots of tidbits I want to share; mostly of interest to those who are also adopting older children. We went trick or treating last night, or as the boys put it, "begging for candy". Our family generally has not "celebrated" Halloween, although nobody would have guessed it with all the "fall festivals" we attended at various churches through the years. So this year I decided to treat my two new sons to this great American tradition in our new neighborhood in Birmingham. They loved it. At first they made me go to the door with them but after they got the hang of it, they wanted me to stay in the driveway "in the dark". We also tried another neighborhood but there were too many other people trick or treating, according to Vitalik. He has started to be more open about things that bother him or make him uncomfortable rather than just leave me guessing. This is a good thing.



We have been home a little over 3 months. The boys continue to adjust well even with moving. There are many Ukrainian adoptees living in Birmingham, some that the boys knew in Ukraine, and that provides a good social outlet for them. Gabe and I also are finding it comforting to be with other parents who share similar struggles. Parenting adopted children is a struggle. Let no one tell you otherwise. There are days when I wonder why I chose to do this. Life was simple and, well, easy, before we met Vitalik and Eli. And yet each day has its rewards.

Eli told me yesterday that I was a better Mama than his first mama. He expressed how much he loved me then said he could not remember ever loving his first mama. We talked the other day about maybe going to school in Birmingham. He told me that he had spent his whole life "in school" and now he just wanted to be home with a family. Homeschooling is tough these days but with that sort of encouragement I am determined to stick with it. Vitalik is rewarding us daily with heart felt apologies where in the past there were denial and excuses. Even the non-heart felt ones spoken with a smile and a hug are enough to melt a Mama’s heart. Sometimes you have to search carefully through all the chaos to find the rewards but you must be diligent to do so; they are too precious to miss.

It is also a must that parents be discerning. “Don’touch me” can mean “I love you so much and am not used to feeling this way.” Sometimes I get frustrated that the boys seem completely unable to be alone. Eli asks “where are you going?” every time I get up from a sitting position and then will usually follow me wherever I go. Vitalik said recently when asking if he could go jump on the trampoline “Will you go with me? If I go alone I miss.” His way of saying he would be lonely. If he had stopped with “will you go with me?” I would have been likely to respond “I can’t, honey, I’m busy right now.” But the “I don’t want to be alone” on the end elicited a totally different response from me. Nothing can be taken at face value, especially in the beginning when it is hard because of language for these children to express what they really mean.

When they ask “what I do?”, don’t mistake it for typical American teenage boredom. They really need help in evaluating everyday choices and making decisions. With too many choices before them, they can become paralyzed. I am so pleased when I find the boys playing a board game with no prompting from me. It means they are learning to make choices. I find it helpful at breakfast and lunch to offer several choices to them. Especially to Eli. He hates choices. But I explain to him that he needs to learn to make small choices so that one day he can tackle the big choices in life. Yes, for breakfast, he will generally choose Ramen Noodles over other nutritious choices but that’s OK.

It is also imperative for parents to be realistic. We simply cannot be all things to all people at all times. The other night after dinner, I went to TJ Maxx for the sole purpose of getting away from everyone for an hour. Eli totally stressed about it but I had to breathe. The other day Vitalik asked me to spend some time with him because I had not done so all day. The truth was we had been together all day but he was needing one on one time. Eli needs that, too. So does Alexandra. And Luke. And Gabe. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. And sometimes I just need to breathe. And its OK.

Realistic also means that you cannot expect behavior from your children commiserate with their age. My 16 year old cannot be left home alone. He has never done anything ‘bad” but, boy, do his decision making skills put him at risk. Ever tried a football warmed in the microwave? Nor can one expect your children to have mastered all the social graces. Loud burps in public; pointing and making fun of strangers; pushing through, around and over people in their path; sometimes I am appalled but what more would I expect, really? Ya just gotta teach and remind and then teach some more.

And then occasionally you’ll hear a wonderful sound like “we don’t listen to Eminem, we are Christian people.” Or like today when I got “I don’t want to be bad anymore, Mom; I want to be happy to you all the time.” You see, one of my boys loves to say hurtful things to me. He knows exactly what to say and how much it will hurt. And them almost immediately, he is “sorry” and up in my face wanting a kiss and asking “do you still love me, Mom?” And then the other son: he is teaching me Jesus’ command to forgive seventy times seven. He can cop an attitude at the drop of a hat but he hates for me to be “mad”. “I’m sorry, Mom. Do you forgive me?” I hear it dozens of times a day. And most of the time I know he is not sorry for the behavior; he’s just sorry I’m not pleased with the behavior. But I know he means it when he gives me a hug and says “I love you so so much Mom.”

Life is good but chaotic; crazy sometimes but a new sort of normal. Tiring but worth persevering through. Definitely preferable to this time last year when I was stressing over the last details of our dossier, wondering if we would get to Ukraine in time. God is incredibly merciful. To me and to my children.

Will she come back?

This picture speaks volumes about our lives right now. It was taken before we moved to Birmingham a few weeks ago. I had gone into town for maybe a couple of hours. I left Vitalik and Eli at home, along with Gabe, Luke and Alexandra. They were devastated. Alexandra snapped this picture of them after they pulled the chairs out into the driveway to await my return. I can imagine how this conversation was going: "Why she not take us?" "Why she want to go alone?" "Maybe she not love us." There is not an hour that goes by that I do not hear "where you go?" from Eli. He asks it every time I leave a room. One day I was assuring him that I would always return. "How I know?" he asked. And then there was the time Vitalik was begging for some time with me because, in his words "I not see you all day." In fact, we had been together all day. I will admit that sometimes I feel smothered and I pray that God will grant me patience and understanding. I know that I cannot even begin to imagine what these boys have faced that has caused such a fear of abandonment. But I do know that daily they are learning that I love them and that I can be trusted to come driving back into that driveway.