I might ramble a bit through this blog. Lots of tidbits I want to share; mostly of interest to those who are also adopting older children. We went trick or treating last night, or as the boys put it, "begging for candy". Our family generally has not "celebrated" Halloween, although nobody would have guessed it with all the "fall festivals" we attended at various churches through the years. So this year I decided to treat my two new sons to this great American tradition in our new neighborhood in Birmingham. They loved it. At first they made me go to the door with them but after they got the hang of it, they wanted me to stay in the driveway "in the dark". We also tried another neighborhood but there were too many other people trick or treating, according to Vitalik. He has started to be more open about things that bother him or make him uncomfortable rather than just leave me guessing. This is a good thing.
We have been home a little over 3 months. The boys continue to adjust well even with moving. There are many Ukrainian adoptees living in Birmingham, some that the boys knew in Ukraine, and that provides a good social outlet for them. Gabe and I also are finding it comforting to be with other parents who share similar struggles. Parenting adopted children
is a struggle. Let no one tell you otherwise. There are days when I wonder why I chose to do this. Life was simple and, well, easy, before we met Vitalik and Eli. And yet each day has its rewards.
Eli told me yesterday that I was a better Mama than his first mama. He expressed how much he loved me then said he could not remember ever loving his first mama. We talked the other day about maybe going to school in Birmingham. He told me that he had spent his whole life "in school" and now he just wanted to be home with a family. Homeschooling is tough these days but with that sort of encouragement I am determined to stick with it. Vitalik is rewarding us daily with heart felt apologies where in the past there were denial and excuses. Even the non-heart felt ones spoken with a smile and a hug are enough to melt a Mama’s heart. Sometimes you have to search carefully through all the chaos to find the rewards but you must be diligent to do so; they are too precious to miss.
It is also a must that parents be discerning. “Don’touch me” can mean “I love you so much and am not used to feeling this way.” Sometimes I get frustrated that the boys seem completely unable to be alone. Eli asks “where are you going?” every time I get up from a sitting position and then will usually follow me wherever I go. Vitalik said recently when asking if he could go jump on the trampoline “Will you go with me? If I go alone I miss.” His way of saying he would be lonely. If he had stopped with “will you go with me?” I would have been likely to respond “I can’t, honey, I’m busy right now.” But the “I don’t want to be alone” on the end elicited a totally different response from me. Nothing can be taken at face value, especially in the beginning when it is hard because of language for these children to express what they really mean.
When they ask “what I do?”, don’t mistake it for typical American teenage boredom. They really need help in evaluating everyday choices and making decisions. With too many choices before them, they can become paralyzed. I am so pleased when I find the boys playing a board game with no prompting from me. It means they are learning to make choices. I find it helpful at breakfast and lunch to offer several choices to them. Especially to Eli. He hates choices. But I explain to him that he needs to learn to make small choices so that one day he can tackle the big choices in life. Yes, for breakfast, he will generally choose Ramen Noodles over other nutritious choices but that’s OK.
It is also imperative for parents to be realistic. We simply cannot be all things to all people at all times. The other night after dinner, I went to TJ Maxx for the sole purpose of getting away from everyone for an hour. Eli totally stressed about it but I had to breathe. The other day Vitalik asked me to spend some time with him because I had not done so all day. The truth was we had been together all day but he was needing one on one time. Eli needs that, too. So does Alexandra. And Luke. And Gabe. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. And sometimes I just need to breathe. And its OK.
Realistic also means that you cannot expect behavior from your children commiserate with their age. My 16 year old cannot be left home alone. He has never done anything ‘bad” but, boy, do his decision making skills put him at risk. Ever tried a football warmed in the microwave? Nor can one expect your children to have mastered all the social graces. Loud burps in public; pointing and making fun of strangers; pushing through, around and over people in their path; sometimes I am appalled but what more would I expect, really? Ya just gotta teach and remind and then teach some more.
And then occasionally you’ll hear a wonderful sound like “we don’t listen to Eminem, we are Christian people.” Or like today when I got “I don’t want to be bad anymore, Mom; I want to be happy to you all the time.” You see, one of my boys loves to say hurtful things to me. He knows exactly what to say and how much it will hurt. And them almost immediately, he is “sorry” and up in my face wanting a kiss and asking “do you still love me, Mom?” And then the other son: he is teaching me Jesus’ command to forgive seventy times seven. He can cop an attitude at the drop of a hat but he hates for me to be “mad”. “I’m sorry, Mom. Do you forgive me?” I hear it dozens of times a day. And most of the time I know he is not sorry for the behavior; he’s just sorry I’m not pleased with the behavior. But I know he means it when he gives me a hug and says “I love you so so much Mom.”
Life is good but chaotic; crazy sometimes but a new sort of normal. Tiring but worth persevering through. Definitely preferable to this time last year when I was stressing over the last details of our dossier, wondering if we would get to Ukraine in time. God is incredibly merciful. To me and to my children.
