One year home and we're going back again

It is so hard to believe that this month will complete one year home with Vitalik and Roman. There have been challenges but they have adjusted really well. A few weeks ago we returned from a mission trip in the region where Roman lived. We served at Camp Friendship for two weeks, ministering to orphaned children as well as others. While there, I had the chance to speak to a beautiful 15 year old girl named Vika about whehter she would like to become a part of the Davie family. She enthusiastically said yes. We have been working on updating our paperwork since March. We kept it a secret for the most part until we had a chance to talk with her. Now that she has agreed, we are happy to announce that we are pursuing her for adoption. Our I797 arrived this week and has been fedexed to Ukraine. Submissions are now handled differently than in 2008 and are based on the age of the child you are requesting. Therefore, we believe it will go faster and easier than last time. They have also been giving dates very quickly for older children so we are hoping to travel in August while realizing anything can happen. We appreciate everyone's prayers as we once again step out in faith in answering God's call on our lives. I will have to either change the name of our blog or start a new one. Before I say good-bye to this one, however, I will post some recent pictures of the family. So stay tuned.

Putting it all into practice

I love to read. Sometimes I am reading two or three books at a time. For over a year now I have been reading books on parenting adopted children. I found that I had to go back and re-read the books I read pre-adoption; they did not make as much sense to me until I was in the middle of this adoptive parenting thing. Two books that I am reading right now have a lot of practical advise for what is called "therapeutic parenting". Parenting the Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen and "Therapeutic Parenting" from an organization called ATTACh are both excellent resources and I highly recommend them. I had a chance a few days ago to put some of my knowledge into practice. Here's an exchange with one of my boys that is full of lessons learned.

Both boys and I were on our way to the Social Security office. I told them we would stop and eat on the way, as we left home around lunch. There is much bickering going on between them about where to eat. Two minutes down the road I am told:

Son: I am so hungry. I have to eat now. I cannot wait.
Me: So you will starve?
Son: Yes.
Me: I love you.
Son: You always say that to avoid a conflict.
Me: No, I just want to make sure you know I love you before you die.

(momentary silence then bickering resumes; humor did not work so I try again)

Me: I know that when you are hungry you get very anxious. There was a time in your life when you were hungry and you had no hope of getting food. But I promise you that I will feed you. You will not stay hungry.

(momentary silence then bickering resumes)


Me: I will choose where we eat.
Both sons: Thats not fair, etc.
Me: I did not promise we were going out to your favorite restaurant. We are out on business and I just promised that we would eat. I will choose a good restaurant that everyone likes. We are going to Jason's Deli.
Son: NO!!! Not Jason's Deli. I'm not eating there. I'm not hungry.
Me: Thats fine. You do not have to eat.
Son: You can take me somewhere else when you are finished eating.
Me: No, I won't do that.
Son: continuing protests against Jason's Deli which he has always enjoyed.

(I am realizing that this is not about hunger nor about where we should eat. I also know that we are teetering on the edge of a crisis and it is my responsibiblity to remain calm.)

Me: There are times when, no matter where I choose to eat, you are not going to like it. This is one of those times. But we are going. You are feeling anxious because we are going to get your social security number. It is another sign that you are here forever. You are not going back to Ukraine.
Son: Send me back Ukraine. Buy me a ticket back Ukraine.
Me: No. I will never, ever, ever send you back to Ukraine.
We get out of the car to walk into Jason's Deli. Loud protests continue.
Me: I can call Dad to meet us at the Social Secuirty office if you would like.
Son: I am not scared of Dad.
Me: I am so glad you are not scared of Dad. You shouldn't be. I would have him meet us because Dad has a calming effect on you. And right now you are feeling very stressed.

We get inside the restaurant and there is a line.

Son: (loudly and mockingly) There is a line in your Jason's Deli; we will have to wait for one hour; you don't know how hungry I am.
Me: feeling my face redden as everyone in Jason's Deli seems to be staring at us, I stare straight ahead, avoiding eye contact and totally ignoring these provocations.
Finally Son grabs my face in his hands and says: "Mom, why aren't you laughing?" Then he cracks up and the tension completely falls away.

After we eat, he starts getting a little antsy.
Son: Can we go now? I'm a little nervous. Will I have to answer any questions? Will I have to sign anything?
We go on our way and there are no more problems or conflicts.

I tell this story because 5 months ago there would have been a total different outcome. We may not have even made it to the Social Secuirty office and if we had it would have been on an empty stomach. There would have been no admission of "I am nervous", instead there would have probably been some running away, maybe some long hours in one's room later. And it would have been my fault. Without an understanding of what my sons might be going through at any given moment, I would have responded differently and only made matters worse.

When my boys first arrived, I thought I could treat them like my other children whom I had raised from birth. I tried but it did not work. I share with them the Gospel; I teach them the principles of Scripture and I apply the principles of Scripture in training them. And yet, the methods I must use in doing these things are way different because their backgrounds are so very different. It has helped me so much to read about other people's experiences; to read experts' opinions on the possible consequences of abandonment and adoption on a child's development and behavior. And then I thank God for the ability to sift all these things through His Word and come to a place where I know we are going in the right direction.

Learning to Love

This has been a great week. We had a little visitor here; teaching us to share, to empathize, to love. We enjoyed an afternoon at the circus as well as a visit from the fire department when we smelled something burning but could not find its source. Perhaps our little visitor was experimenting with something? We took him home on Tuesday and miss him already.

6 months down, forever to go

This week marks 6 months since we returned to America with our boys. The time has flown by and yet it seems as if they have been ours forever. They have made so much progress since those early days. Hopefully I can write more about that soon but today I just wanted to FINALLY post some pictures from the holidays.

Making our traditional Christmas cookies on Christmas Eve:



With Granddad on Christmas Eve with gifts from Rome, Italy, inspired by Roma:



Twas the night before Christmas:



Christmas morning:






New Year's Eve:

The Grinch Didn't Steal It

Every year we celebrate Christmas on the 24th at home and then on the 25th at my mother's. So today was the day. Will post some pics later but had to share a quote from Vitalik: "This was the best Christmas ever. The grinch didn't steal it!" Any of you with children who came by way of adoption will know that the Grinch often steals the fun out of special days. But our day so far has been blessed with peace and happiness. Vitalik, in fact, said he was so happy, he wasn't even hungry! Now that, my friends, is happiness! So we pause for a moment during our busy, fun and incredibly special day, to wish you all the happiest of Christmases that even the Grinch cannot steal!

I'm For You, Vitalik

We met Vitalik the summer of 2007. I have told the story before of how God whispered to my heart "that is your son" as I stood in the Hall's kitchen. When I left the Hall's that evening, it was with a great burden, for I did not know if we would be able to adopt Vitalik; I only knew that we must take care of him as we would a son. As I pondered this burden, Toby Mac's song "I'm for You" came on the radio.

Tell me where its hurting
Are you burning?
Running just to catch your breath
And going nowhere
It's getting old when you feel like you got nothing left
Well it ain't over 'til its over
I told you since the day we met
So let me be the voice through all the noise
Whatever I gotta be
I'll be for you
Whatever you need from me
To see you through
Everyone of us has stumbled
Everybody's humbled
We hit the ground and our lives crumble
Whatever I gotta be
I'll be for you
I'm for you
If you never knew .....

So that became my song for Vitalik. Everytime I heard it on the radio I would recommit myslef to doing whatever I could for this boy so far away. Toby Mac is one of my favorite Christian artists and we saw him several times during the year we waited to adopt Vitalik. Every time we would go to one of his concerts, I would long for the day that Vitalik could attend with us. I told Vitalik about this song; sent him the translation in Russian; let him listen to it when we visited. He acted nonchalant about it. Then when we were in Ukraine adopting I would catch him often listneing to the song on the Ipod, over and over. Then I began to catch him singing it as he went about his day.


A few weeks ago, we attended another Toby Mac concert and this time Vitalik and Eli were able to go with us. Vitalik kept asking (or shouting in my ear, rather) "when he sing I'm for you?" We both anxiously awaited the song that spoke of this mother's commitment to her son: "whatever I gotta be, I'll be for you...." When the song started, I put my arm around him and tried singing it to him. In his best teenage boy fashion, he shrugged me off with "Ah, Mom." But then I noticed during the rest of the song, he was watching me sing, not Toby Mac. It was a moment a mother treasures in her heart for a lifetime.

Has anyone on this earth ever been "for" Vitalik? Before now, I mean? Has anyone ever lent an understanding ear:

I know the feeling
I know its real when the drama's all in your face
You see a mountain
I hear a promise “ its never more than we can take"
Well it ain't over, 'til it's over
We can turn from our mistakes
So let me be the voice through all the noise.....


My dear sweet son, there is a God who understands. A God who has promised that he is for us, not against us. He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. It is only because of his promises to me that I can say the same to you. I am FOR you. I will always be FOR you. And I am so happy that you were by my side in Huntsville, Alabama, along with your brother and sister and friends listening to Toby Mac sing my song to you.

The other side of the story

In a recent post, I wanted to discourage the fear some have of adopting older children. In this post, I want to encourage anyone considering adoption to do all they can to prepare for issues that may arise after an adoption. It is my personal opinion that there are certain potential problems that can be averted if you understand where a child is coming from. These thoughts have been prompted by a discussion on a yahoo group that I am part of. They have been discussing the issue of whether or not hosting a child before adoption will help prevent problems such as were recently presented on the television program, 20/20. That particular program exposed some very serious issues with some children that had been adopted from Russia. Sometimes these issues can be serious enough that people "disrupt" the adoption, a way of saying families voluntarily give up their rights to their adopted child and seek placement elsewhere.

Because the issues that our boys have are relatively mild, I cannot speak to why parents disrupt adoption. I can speak to the issue of hosting, however, and I know enough through our experience and speaking with friends who have adopted to encourage adopting parents to BE PREPARED. I think that I can honestly say that if anyone starts the adoption process needing a guarantee that their child will not have any psychological issues, they need to rethink adoption. It is virtually a guarantee that they will have issues of some sort. Some issues may be apparent during hosting; others will not. It is very important to read, read, read everything you can on post-institutionalized children, not so that you can weed out the undesirables, but so that you, as the parent, can appropriately respond to whatever happens along the way. In a previous post, I relayed the sunny side of adoption via Eli’s story; you can be assured, however, that my children are insecure (who wouldn’t be in their shoes?), fearful of failure and abandonment, afraid to love, hypervigilant, and a host of other things.

There is much about the personalities and behaviors of our children that bear this out. For example, our oldest is especially prone to saying exactly what he does not mean. “I want to go back to Ukraine” means “I am scared you are going to send me back to Ukraine.” One poster on the yahoo group commented that she has told her adopted daughter that she would take her back to the orphanage and let them find her another family. I know that my boys have that fear and are going to test me to see if they are correct in their fear that I would abandon them. Our oldest will go through a list of things, asking “If I do this, will you send me back to Ukraine?” He always shows astonishment that NO MATTER WHAT I will not send him back to Ukraine. Yes, he often begs to go back, but that is just so he can hurt me before I am able to hurt him by sending him back.

There are also habits ingrained in an older child that will take time to break. These are often sinful habits. One of our boys has the habit of lying. All the time. About everything. What is helping more than anything with this bad habit is simply recognizing it for what it is and addressing it directly. "Honey, thats a lie. I know for many years you felt like you had to lie and it has become a bad habit. You have to start practicing telling the truth so that truth-telling can become a habit. So let's try that again." And we will rehearse the truth. In certain situations, he still gets offended by this exchange but most of the time he goes along with the "re-programming". This same child also balks at obedience. I attribute his resistance to authority to his never having had reliable authority figures in his life that he could trust were putting his best interests first. In other words, he is fearful of obedience. But at least he is learning that obedience to parents is the foundation of successful family life and he is willing to put forth the effort toward improvement.


Our other child’s issues are less challenging but still require understanding. He is unable to do much at all without direct instructions. Even when told to do something like “plug in the Christmas tree lights”, he will ask a dozen times “Can I plug in the Christmas tree lights, Mom?” before he actually does it. He apologizes constantly, for what I don’t know. He is a very smart, thoughtful child, but often becomes so engrossed in thought that we can all get up from a table at a restaurant, walk to the door, and leaving him sitting there not aware that we have left. He is unable to "play" on his own. He often chatters about nothing continuously. He told me once that he does that so that I will not forget that he is here. Minor stuff, but there are psychological issues at the root. Might any of these issues manifest themselves in more serious ways as they get older? Yes, they might. Would I love them any less? No way. But the point I want to make is that if you are not prepared for even these minor issues, they can easily escalate into more volatile ones.

There is so much patience and understanding required. My kids want to be underfoot at all times. They are constantly accusing me of loving the other more. They bicker over everything. They fight for my attention. It is not an easy task by any means and I wanted to make sure that my previous post did not come across that way. Even Eli has difficult moments. But with the right attitude, the proper preparation, and by the grace of God, we can grant these precious children the gift of family that they so need and deserve.

I, personally, could never have considered adoption had God not been a part of the equation. He called my husband and me to this task and He equips us to handle the realities of it. I would never, in my own strength, be able to handle the challenges of adoption, even with children whose issues are comparatively mild. It is only by grace that we were able to begin this process and it is only by grace that we are able to persevere daily. Adoption is not for the weak, the prideful, or the idealistic. But neither is parenthood of any sort. All of life is a gamble on our side. That is why I, personally, find faith indispensable. If we can see everyone, our children and especially ourselves, as sinners in need of grace and mercy, we can forgive, we can overlook, we can perservere, we can love sacrificially. But even as Christians we should not take the call to adopt lightly and refuse to be prepared for the challenges. There will, without a doubt, be challenges and to think otherwise is to ignore reality.