Putting it all into practice

I love to read. Sometimes I am reading two or three books at a time. For over a year now I have been reading books on parenting adopted children. I found that I had to go back and re-read the books I read pre-adoption; they did not make as much sense to me until I was in the middle of this adoptive parenting thing. Two books that I am reading right now have a lot of practical advise for what is called "therapeutic parenting". Parenting the Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen and "Therapeutic Parenting" from an organization called ATTACh are both excellent resources and I highly recommend them. I had a chance a few days ago to put some of my knowledge into practice. Here's an exchange with one of my boys that is full of lessons learned.

Both boys and I were on our way to the Social Security office. I told them we would stop and eat on the way, as we left home around lunch. There is much bickering going on between them about where to eat. Two minutes down the road I am told:

Son: I am so hungry. I have to eat now. I cannot wait.
Me: So you will starve?
Son: Yes.
Me: I love you.
Son: You always say that to avoid a conflict.
Me: No, I just want to make sure you know I love you before you die.

(momentary silence then bickering resumes; humor did not work so I try again)

Me: I know that when you are hungry you get very anxious. There was a time in your life when you were hungry and you had no hope of getting food. But I promise you that I will feed you. You will not stay hungry.

(momentary silence then bickering resumes)


Me: I will choose where we eat.
Both sons: Thats not fair, etc.
Me: I did not promise we were going out to your favorite restaurant. We are out on business and I just promised that we would eat. I will choose a good restaurant that everyone likes. We are going to Jason's Deli.
Son: NO!!! Not Jason's Deli. I'm not eating there. I'm not hungry.
Me: Thats fine. You do not have to eat.
Son: You can take me somewhere else when you are finished eating.
Me: No, I won't do that.
Son: continuing protests against Jason's Deli which he has always enjoyed.

(I am realizing that this is not about hunger nor about where we should eat. I also know that we are teetering on the edge of a crisis and it is my responsibiblity to remain calm.)

Me: There are times when, no matter where I choose to eat, you are not going to like it. This is one of those times. But we are going. You are feeling anxious because we are going to get your social security number. It is another sign that you are here forever. You are not going back to Ukraine.
Son: Send me back Ukraine. Buy me a ticket back Ukraine.
Me: No. I will never, ever, ever send you back to Ukraine.
We get out of the car to walk into Jason's Deli. Loud protests continue.
Me: I can call Dad to meet us at the Social Secuirty office if you would like.
Son: I am not scared of Dad.
Me: I am so glad you are not scared of Dad. You shouldn't be. I would have him meet us because Dad has a calming effect on you. And right now you are feeling very stressed.

We get inside the restaurant and there is a line.

Son: (loudly and mockingly) There is a line in your Jason's Deli; we will have to wait for one hour; you don't know how hungry I am.
Me: feeling my face redden as everyone in Jason's Deli seems to be staring at us, I stare straight ahead, avoiding eye contact and totally ignoring these provocations.
Finally Son grabs my face in his hands and says: "Mom, why aren't you laughing?" Then he cracks up and the tension completely falls away.

After we eat, he starts getting a little antsy.
Son: Can we go now? I'm a little nervous. Will I have to answer any questions? Will I have to sign anything?
We go on our way and there are no more problems or conflicts.

I tell this story because 5 months ago there would have been a total different outcome. We may not have even made it to the Social Secuirty office and if we had it would have been on an empty stomach. There would have been no admission of "I am nervous", instead there would have probably been some running away, maybe some long hours in one's room later. And it would have been my fault. Without an understanding of what my sons might be going through at any given moment, I would have responded differently and only made matters worse.

When my boys first arrived, I thought I could treat them like my other children whom I had raised from birth. I tried but it did not work. I share with them the Gospel; I teach them the principles of Scripture and I apply the principles of Scripture in training them. And yet, the methods I must use in doing these things are way different because their backgrounds are so very different. It has helped me so much to read about other people's experiences; to read experts' opinions on the possible consequences of abandonment and adoption on a child's development and behavior. And then I thank God for the ability to sift all these things through His Word and come to a place where I know we are going in the right direction.